When it feels personal...

Martin Place.
The amphitheatre. The benches near the stall with all the flowers. The Law Society and Supreme Court just around the corner. The buildings. The businesses. The library. Elizabeth Street. The steps down to the train station. Snapshots. Continual poses frozen in my mind. I am stuck in my head. Clouded with emotion and shock.

Lindt cafe.
My favourite cafe in Sydney. I was there just last year. We were all there one Friday morning on a summer's day. All the other times I went there. Pancakes with my sister. Sitting by the windows. The tastes, senses and vibes from the chocolate. The type of people who would stop by, or linger. Chocolate to go. Delectable tastes and memories in my head. In my heart.

Katrina Dawson.
A tribute. A name. A face. A person. A college resident. A fleeting memory. A brave soul. Discrete moments captured and linked together to arrive at an unimaginable ending.

They say when something tragic happens to you, you need to give yourself time to grieve. Allow yourself to acknowledge the emotions. What happens when you are not directly affected but instead, a spectator from afar. Are you still entitled to grieve? I feel entitled to grieve and mourn the reckless murder of innocence. The violation of my personal memories. The loss of lives.

We make memories. We experience moments that leave a mark on us. We go through motions not knowing their effect or how they might influence others now or in the future. We leave pieces of our hearts in the things we love and do, sincerely but possibly superfluously, only to recall them at times like this. Time and circumstances work together to filter through the past and make important that which was once a single chain in a long series of moments.

When I first heard about the Sydney siege, I was in shock, just like millions of others. Maybe if it had occurred somewhere else, it wouldn't have shook me that way. But this is my hometown. This is Martin Place. A place I know. A place I walked through, lingered on in and reflected by many times. Time is testimony to moments I spent there. How can that same place be host and witness to an event so gruesome. How can a lunatic give himself the right to intrude on that space.

And this is Lindt cafe. My favourite chocolate cafe, in fact my favourite cafe in Sydney. A warm and delightful place. Chocolate attracts happiness and innocence. It also attracts children. A non-coffee drinker, Lindt was my solace and my answer. A delectable, stylish, classy and simple venue in the midst of a seriously busy city hub. Now the innocence of the place has been violated and destroyed. Guns, fear, threats, death... how can that be forever linked to the homecoming and welcoming feeling of chocolate.

Then there are the victims. I could've been one of them. Any one of my family or friends could've been one of them. It would not be uncommon for us to stop by the cafe for a hot chocolate or a special treat. Whenever I think back to the horror that the victims and their families must've experienced, I feel sick to the bone. It is not hard to replace their images with myself or any one of my family or friends.

Katrina Dawson. What a brave soul. Ever since I saw her picture or heard her name, I felt a sense of connection. At first I thought I was empathising with her but there was another nagging yet distant feeling. And then I realised why as the cobwebs of the past cleared and I found myself facing an explosion of memories. Our connection is Womens College. The halls of residence I lived in for three years while I studied at the University of Sydney many many years ago, while approaching the end of my teens. A place where she and I lived and shared for one of my three years. A place that shaped my personality. There is no denying it. My initial university years, my college years were the most influential years in my life. Living with other women, day in and day out, sharing meals, sharing activities and events. The formal dinners. The guest speakers. The food. The random wanderings... We were influenced by the same things. For a year, we took in the same experiences. Did I know her personally? No. But I could've passed her by walking down one of the corridors. I could've smiled at her. Could she have been just a few doors away from me? Did I ever imagine that someone I used to live with but had no direct connection with would suddenly make me want to grieve for her? How is this possible?

Perhaps it is still the shock of it all that is preventing me from understanding my emotions. I am saddended. I am mourning silently in my heart a fellow college resident. I am mourning the cafe manager. Brave, brave soul. I am silently holding a vigil and a prayer in my heart for them and for their families. And I cry untold tears for my religion that gets blasphemed by lunatics time and time again for no reason. Lunatics who know nothing of its tenderness.

I cry silent tears for the #illridewithyou hashtag that touched so many of us. This is what humanity is about. I cry silent tears for the hope of humanity left in many and I cry bitter tears for those whose hearts have hardened in its face.

I long to lay flowers on the ground at the site and to write sincere words in the notebooks lying there now. I long to join in and show my little bit of humanity. But I am afar so I grieve alone. May they rest in peace and may the justice system learn a hard hard lesson, never to be repeated ever again.

Realignment

It's March. We're still in the first quarter of the second decade, of the new millennium and so far 2011 has been unstoppable. Whether it is revolutions or natural disasters, the world is changing. Perspectives have changed. Sands have shifted. In the desert of constant familiarity where injustice or comfort, despair or security, tyranny or a feigned sense of superiority lived for years, decades at a time, the sands of that desert have now shifted. A realignment is needed - most of all within.

I watched in horror as a tsunami swept across Japan. The water just devoured everything in its way. It showed no mercy and it brought to my mind a scene from the Day of Judgment. I had been so caught up in the revolution in Egypt that it jolted me back to a fragile world. The world we all share and live in. This temporary world where we continue to charge through or survive, whichever way you may choose to, on a daily basis. A world where we are given a temporary feeling of being in control but then all of a sudden something happens and reminds you how small and fragile you really are. 

Water. It quenches your thirst but yesterday it was a destructive power obeying the will of God. It made me think of the double-edged swords that we each hold in our lives. The blessings that can suddenly turn into curses if we get carried away for longer than a moment and forget or choose to turn a blind eye to The One who was gracious enough to grant us all these blessings in the first place. 

Then there is the revolution(s) that is(are) sweeping across the Middle East at the moment. Rulers who never imagined that the day would come when they would be overthrown by the power of the people came to see that day. Power that had been in these rulers' hands for years, for decades, was transferred to the people, almost overnight. Without warning. Just like a natural disaster that strikes without warning.

History is filled with such stories and lessons. History does repeat itself to the masses.

It really is time to reflect on all what is happening and to tap into my own life. What blessings do I have that I have failed to acknowledge and be grateful for? What have I taken for granted? What have I stood before so stubbornly and what have I focused on so dearly at the expense of that which really matters? Life is short and if any a valuable lesson is to be learnt from 2011 (so far) it is that I do need to ask these important questions. Most of all, I do need to find their answers.

I feel a new world forming before my eyes. I sense new beginnings and new lessons to be learnt. 2011 is going to be a year that defines a new world order. The tragic shifting of land masses as what happened with Japan along with a positive shifting in stereotypes. New attitudes. New beginnings. New perspectives. And the only way to grasp all that is new and all what this year and the coming decade has to give, is to realign ourselves and be prepared to realign our lives.

A Change Within

The revolution managed to breathe new life into Egypt and the people of Egypt. Almost overnight and with the press of an imaginary button, morals, values and a sense of unity presided within everyone that was Egyptian. I remember hearing about those values that older generations used to recall, dreamily as they spoke of their younger days. Those values that we had all lost hope of seeing again, submitting to a notion-turned-belief that we were wading through an age where corruption, selfishness and tyranny would only but mushroom uncontrollably. The revolution made us all realise that those values were subconsciously hammered into us as children. They were there all along, dormant and waiting for the right moment, the moment of freedom to emerge forcefully making a statement that they were here to stay. Differences melted away and all that one could see was a united stand  in the midst an invigorated sense of life. 

I compare it to the attitudes of people before January 25th. Several years ago I worked within a company department in a country outside Egypt where the majority of employees were Egyptians. It was one of the more depressing times of my life. I likened the authoritarian attitude adopted by my managers to that of the Mubarak regime at the time. There was fear, oppression, unfairness and of course, corruption. Ideas were not allowed or if there were, they would be shelved and only the managers' ideas would go ahead. It was like a smaller scale of the Mubarak regime in an office environment. It was like a psychological disease that had taken hold of Egyptians, a projection of the regime into their own lives, an adoption of an attitude as a way of life. It was disappointing but most of all it was disconcerting.

Years of brainwashing and of being oppressed led to continued abuse of society and individuals. Thirty years is a long time and for many, they knew no other way of life. It was accepted as the status quo. Corruption breeds corruption and when corruption becomes the way of life, people find themselves dragged along with their society down a pit of despair. Until January 25th when everything changed.

There is now a deep sense of integrity and justice against anything wrong and corrupt. There is a challenging notion to authoritarian attitudes that threaten basic rights. There is love, compassion, understanding, empathy and team spirit. There is a sense of direction, hope and resolve for a bright future and with it, a sense of social justice that will prevail for all. And all this seems to have burst into an emotional display of fireworks on the streets on Egypt and online, overnight.

Now I look back at that workplace where I endured a lack of values and ethics and erase it from the present day. Groggy minds and souls have awoken. Today the people have spoken up and broken the barrier of fear. Their dormant values are dictating their behaviour today. Given the choice, I now want to work with Egyptians.

The revolution's slogan was: Change, Freedom and Social Justice but with it, a change has also happened within. A change that has rippled through and has breathed new life into Egyptians. 

Dreaming

It has been ages since I wrote. My days and nights since my last entry have been consumed with nothing but with what is happening in Egypt. I surprised myself with a deep sense of national pride. I never even realised that I had one. I surprised myself with an urgency to be a part of this revolution, with a longing to be in Tahrir (Liberation) Square or on the streets of Alexandria, marching, protesting, helping make change happen, smelling, tasting and savouring freedom. 

Several posts ago I wrote about returning to the land of my birth, to be with my family, to settle down and commit myself to a place where I could finally belong. I had decided to give up on the concept of identity and  started to adopt the attitude that home is the place where you make it, surrounded by the people you love. I was serious about this commitment and I washed away any feelings of despair that I might have given in to on making this move. I do love this country, there is no question about it. It did shape me and contributed into making me who I am today. I do feel like I belong here, otherwise I never would have moved back permanently. But I knew that it would never be easy. It has only been two months since moving here and I was determined to overcome any feelings of alienation that I would come across, convinced that with time, this too would be my home, along with the other places where I lived. I would make it my home. I would adapt and find happiness here.

And then the revolution in Egypt happened. And I found myself glued to the likes of facebook and twitter, every waking moment. Food, drink, work even sleep sometimes was optional. At first I was just actively following the updates, trying to make sure my family and friends there were alright. But then I found myself actively participating in the online revolution. When the Internet and mobile network was cut off in Egypt, I would find ways to reach out to those there. I would post their news and use the resources I had to let the world know what was going on from tweets to articles to news and updates. I found myself eating, sleeping and dreaming of this revolution. My heart kept beating to the rhythm of those on the streets there. They spoke for me. They did what I could not do. They filled me with pride as I watched them challenge the regime, holding nothing but courage and resolve. They expressed every sense of despair that I had felt over the years. 

I never lived in Egypt and only went there on family holidays but I still felt the fear and oppression on the streets. I still felt the influence of the authoritarian attitude in the lives of people. I still saw the effect of years of brainwashing on a deterioration of values and a general sense of losing the will to live. I saw it all, over the years, and every time it was a change to the worse.  Then three weeks ago I suddenly I felt myself one with the protesters despite the distance and time difference. Every chant they sang, every sign they held touched my heart, mind and soul. I only had my keyboard. It was my only avenue of expression and I supported them all the way through, confident throughout that the people's will would triumph. One way or another I just knew it in my heart, even though I also knew that Mubarak would never allow himself an exit similar to Ben Ali in Tunisia. Silently I did not want him that exit either. I only wanted his regime over. I wanted change along with the people. I wanted them to voice their opinions and to be able to choose their own leaders, to build their own country. And I wanted to build it too. But I knew the regime, just like the millions of Egyptians who were awakened, for its stubbornness and tyranny. 

There were those who hesitated and said that we have achieved enough, that the protesters should go home, that they should return to a sense of normality. I found myself responding with those on the streets saying that the protests must go on. There was an innate belief that change was coming to Egypt, and with it, a new world order would follow. It was a confidence, a strong resolve and faith that the people will win and that it would all be worth it in the end. Now I sit here miles and miles away, watching the celebrations of freedom on the streets of Egypt. All I want is to be there, cleaning the streets with them. 

I look outside of my window and a southern hemisphere wind blows across gum trees and kookaburras laugh out loud. It all seems so alien to me because in my mind's eye, I can smell the Mediterranean and I can hear it crashing on the rocks on the shore of Alexandria. In my mind's eye I can see the pyramids, the citadel in Cairo and the Nile. And having had the chance to travel, there is just nothing like the Nile.

A bright moon shines,

over a waterway that defines

a city’s character –

caught, in silent enrapture.

The Nile sits still, beneath a surface reflecting,

the city’s lights enchanting,

palms on its banks, mesmerising

senses, so it delights.

Yesterday as Egypt woke up to freedom, all I wanted to do was wrap myself up in an Egyptian flag and hug an Egyptian. Just like the revolution, where things cannot go back to the way they were, I cannot ignore this feeling that has woken up within me. The nagging sense of identity that I had put away is returning and is slowly consuming me.

I dream of the future of Egypt. I dream of all the things that its youth can do for it now, in the next five, ten, fifteen, twenty years as they take it into a bright future. And when I dream, I find myself in the middle of it, playing an active role, doing all the things that I always wanted to do but just could not. Building a country and having a say in how things should be and influencing. 

I have Egyptian blood running through my veins but today even if I were not, I want to be Egyptian.

Rally in Sydney

A crowd gathered for a rally today in Sydney's Hyde Park. Being so far away from all that is happening in Egypt was no deterrent for sharing the sentiments and showing support. But it was not only Egyptians who were there today. Other Arabs and non-Arabs looked past faiths and differences and stood together. Many were chanting in English and Arabic. Spirits were high. There was a minute of silence to remember those who died in the protests in Egypt. The Egyptian national anthem rang through the air as the crowd sang in unison. And a group prayer for those who died followed.

Here are some pictures and a video from the scene today:

"30 Years of Oppression are Enough" says one sign. "Give people the chance to have a voice" says another.

"We want you to leave NOW" says the sign.

"JUSTICE. Free Egypt. Liberty"

"Why cut off Internet / Mobile Network in Egypt?"

A group prayer (Salat Ghaa'ib) for those who died in the protests in Egypt.

A man draped in the Egyptian flag amidst the praying.

Here's a video of the crowd singing the Egyptian national anthem. The chanting after the singing says "Muslims and Christians - we are all Egyptians."

Being Egyptian

First it was Tunisia and now it is Egypt. It is bitter sweet in a sense. Sweet that a revolution might just be the answer to correct all that which is wrong. Bitter that it took the courage of one nation to drive another. More bitterness in that this might be haphazard and at the cost of Egypt's security and stability. No revolution is without costs and risks do have to be taken for the future of the country's children. They do have a right to live a good life in their country, to feel safe, secure and a part of a great nation.

Revolution is not new to Egypt. Its history is rich with it. The Egyptians as a people have always had resolve. They have always spoken out but they always acted out and set a direction for themselves and for their country at the same time. Egyptians are doers. So when the protests happened on January 25th it made me wonder. Why now? Was it Tunisia that motivated the streets to take shape and come alive? Egypt has a  huge square in the middle of Cairo called the Liberty Square. This was the place that witnessed yesterday's protests. But the square has always been there and it has been always been called the Liberty Square - a testament to what Cairo has endured throughout the years. Did it take another country for the Egyptians to see what they had and are capable of in their own backyard, to tap into their history and learn from the heroes of the past?

I am not all pessimism. If this is the start of something good and worthy for Egypt then it is time to turn my attention there again. If this means a promise of change, positive change, a bright future then I am all eyes, ears and heart for Egypt. The land of the Nile, that mesmerises a thousand times over, day or night. A country that has witnessed more than humanity can imagine. A culture that runs deep in my veins and goes back through centuries and time, crosses religions and brings together faiths. If the true essence of what it means to be Egyptian shines through as a result of these protests then my heart will start beating to the rhythm of it again.

A Speck in a Storm

Tunisia is in the midst of a huge change. Riots resulted in its president being ousted. He fled the country silently but as of this moment, he has still not resigned, and the prime minister has taken temporary control. Politically, it is hard to say what will happen next. But what of the people?

The Tunisian people were the ones who started the revolution but already there has been talk of violence and looting happening. My thoughts go out to the ordinary  man on the street, to the mother sitting at home who worries about her children, to the child whose world revolves about nothing more than dreams and making their dreams come true. Just like the Tunisian people who for years dreamt of the day when they would be able to live freely. It was an innocent dream that reverberates the world over, regardless of  nation or creed. It is a simple but basic right. I think of the repercussions of this revolution for the Tunisian people. In order for this to work, there must be a plan and a strategy to turn things around and allow the people avenues to really make their dreams come true. 

Politics is a complex and nasty business. The area has its eyes on Tunisia now and everyone is waiting to see how things will turn out. Tunisia will either be a model for neighbouring countries or it will set a bad example. Only time will tell. In my heart, I pray that this is the start of something good for the Tunisian people and that Tunisia becomes a better place for them.

Revolution

In case you had not noticed, there is a revolution happening out there. It is going to touch upon each of our lives - sooner or later and whether you would like it to or not. You will get affected. If you have a trace of cynicism inherent in you then do this. Rewind back to the nineties, if you are old enough to remember. The Internet made its grand entrance on to the global scene. At the time, the magnitude of its influence on our lives was quite inconceivable. Today, we cannot imagine life without it. There was a time, however, when there was no Internet. There was no worldwide web. Websites did not exist and you can forget about portals! The only web one would see was in the form of an abode for a spider, often conveniently located outside one's window or in jungle-like bushes. The only portal was a doorway or something out of science fiction movie that involved suddenly finding a new dimension and into a new world. The web took on a whole new meaning since the mid-nineties. Still skeptical? Then take the one communication device you shudder at the thought of losing; your mobile phone. Do you recall the first time you encountered someone with those ridiculously large hand held devices that only had one of a select few ringtones? Better still, do you recall your first ever mobile phone?

Set the scene today and it is madness out there where two revolutionary concepts converge, dragging with them a whole multitude of other 'add-ons'. Internet and mobiles give way to something only scfi-fi novels dared touch upon an era ago; or so it seems. What was only possible in one's mind is now open to a variety of means. eBook readers, iPhones, iPods, Google Nexus phone, social networking, tweets, diggs, Apple's latest iPad and that is not the end of it! The message was once expand your avenue and communicate and seek knowledge. The message is now communicate but with value. Gain know how but with the support of a community of others seeking the same form of knowledge. What was once the web has now metamorphosised into the cloud. Before you know it you might even have your own piece of cloud although the skeptics may roll their eyes at this. Although the world may be excited by the disjointed efforts that competitors in the global marketplace keep giving us in the form of new products, this, I see, is only the tip of the iceberg. There is more to come.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/virtualrevolution/

On another note, it is funny how one revolution leads to another. I seem to survive on buzzing environments where creativity and change are at its core. I am going through a revolution myself. Is it age I wonder as I reach my proverbial mid-life? I do feel that I have suddenly matured and grown up with a strong sense of realisation and appreciation. It must be age. Nothing else would do this to you - not even a powerful experience - because there is a grace to this revolution. I have finally realised my capacity for creativity and change. Along with it, I have grown to accept it, whether I choose to want to or not. I adapt and realise the talents and skills that I gained along the way and which add value to those around me. One has the power to influence any situation or any person in a graceful and dignified manner. It does not stop there though. I realise that this is only the beginning of something worthwhile. There is no end to personal development and learning.

While a revolution happens around me that will touch upon my life sooner or later, a similar revolution is happening to me that I hope will be forthcoming enough to touch upon other people's lives.

Doing my bit

It was 17 years ago when I had just finished high school and all eyes were on the Earth Summit in Rio. I remember the thrill and excitement; the urge to want to be a part of positive change. To make a difference and do good. I joined the local Environment Society which no one even knew existed back then and they were just starting to take their first baby steps. I wanted to do my bit no matter what, nevermind that the outcomes from Rio were a disappointment. The future was at stake, or so it seemed at the time.

Fast forward to 17 years later to Copenhagen. The world is more aware of the catastrophes that could have been avoided. Cynics would turn away from this, I know, and destiny would shake its mighty finger and say that nothing could have stopped what was meant to happen. Nevertheless, in the past 17 years the number of natural disasters our planet has experienced have been unlike any other era. The extremely hot summers. The erratic and unpredictability of winters. The increasing divide between seasons in some countries that never experienced seasons before. The rising sea levels. The floods. Earthquakes. Tsunamis. These are just some of the effects of climate change. There is more to come and in years there will be a geographical remapping needed. Glaciers disappearing. Ice caps melting. Islands disappearing.

Although it should not take a global summit to instil this need to act, it can sure act as a reminder. In that spirit, what is it that I can do then to do my bit? Here's my top ten list:

1. Energy saving light bulbs. They do go a long way. Everyone needs their electricity and while I save my lamps for a more luxurious time of day, flicking a light switch is almost second nature now as soon as it gets dark. I have decided to do it in 'green' style and use energy saving light bulbs whenever I can.

2. Unplug devices or simply switch off power points. Remote controls come in all shapes and sizes and their multi-use variety can be nifty. That little red light at the bottom of my TV screen or stereo that is just waiting to be switched on, however, is ever so slowly draining an unnecessary amount of energy. Do I really need the microwave to tell me what time it is? Or the toaster to constantly remind me that it is all set to deliver that perfectly golden piece of toast? I think not - off!

3. Adjust the thermostat. Some people enjoy living in habitual conditions, I know I am one of them, but change is good once in a while. Adjusting my thermostat to just a degree lower (or higher as the case may be) can go a long way to saving a little bit more of energy. Not to mention that it keeps me on my toes!

4. Park the car and forget about it for a while. How about this for a change? Walk to the nearest grocery store instead of fuming as I try to find a parking spot. I always find that I experience more from walking to a destination rather than driving there. There is more time to experience the journey. Weather permitting, of course, because sometimes walking or cycling is just not an option. I use public transport instead and I imagine the petrol I would save in a week, not to mention the mileage I would save on my car.

5. Recycle. This has always been one of my joys in terms of how creative one can get. I will not print an email or a document unless I have to. When I do and if it is in draft form, I use both sides of the paper and reduce the font to fit more on a page. I use the blank sides of those no longer needed pages as scrap paper for doodling my thoughts. Cardboard, in the form of used-up tissues boxes, has always been quite inspiring for me during those times when I just needed to paint that 'masterpiece'. Experimentation is not an easy art to adopt but cardboard has been a faithful fallback and a satisfying outlet for many a creative streak. On a more conventional recycling note, I now separate my plastic and glass from my aluminium and regular waste.

6. Look for green products. Some countries allow you the option to be more environmentally conscious. I go green when I am in those countries and look for the green symbol on everything I buy from spray cans to stationery to packaging.

7. Turn vegetarian. Okay I hear you thinking this is going a bit too far, yet I have experienced a difference in health. Myth or fact: the meat industry consumes a huge amount of energy. I am quite cynical about this after hearing a British politician state the link between meat and energy consumption. Nevertheless, I have noticed the difference in my lifestyle since turning vegetarian but whether this has anything to do with saving our planet is left for the experts, not to mention, common sense.

8. Plant a tree. Some people are lucky enough to have their own garden. Others, like me, have to make do with finding a reserve or a location, preferably nearby, where they can actually make a difference by restoring a wild forest.

9. Air dry wet clothes instead of using the dryer and I have started using the 30 degrees wash cycle. It does not make a difference to how clean your clothes come out. The whites remain white and the colours do retain their brightness!

10. Volunteer in the community and take action. I indulge myself with the signing of online petitions but where it really counts is in the community. Above all, it is a balancing act of helping those in need and cutting back on one's consumer-focused lifestyle.