Friday, February 12, 2010

The Losing and Finding of One's Voice

Imagine a horrific scene on TV where you are the star. Something that really scares the living daylights out of you. Imagine yourself in that situation and then think how you would react. Scream. Run. Me? I lose my voice. I find that I lose my voice in ordinary life situations, nevermind about horror scenes, which at times place me in equally horrific though less hair raising experiences. I just lose the ability to speak. A brash comment is made and my system is stunned into shock the same way one's nervous system shuts down on administration of lethal poison. It is almost as if my vocal chords go into hiding. The connection between my brain and my tongue is temporarily severed. My brain tells me to react, to speak to say something. Nothing comes out. Being put on the spot is another one. My phonic system shuts down yet again. Shocked at the notion of being asked to perform then and there; no time to think no time to draw one's thoughts into a rational processing mechanism. Snapping one's fingers and asking you to speak, now and on the spot, it works the other way for me.

I lose my ability to speak when I am under stress. I lose my ability to vocalise when I am deeply embittered. It mostly comes down to disbelief. I lose my voice due to the shock of what one is capable of. I lose my ability to voice my opinion and it is only a matter of time when my nervous system emerges again.

I lose my voice when I am outnumbered. I speak and speak my mind but no one understands. No one chooses to hear. It is like speaking to an empty room but worse because an empty room echoes back what you say to it. It is far worse when no one acknowledges you. I lose my voice further then in a physical and in a metaphorical sense too. 

I find my voice through expression. Any form of expression is good enough for me. Write. Dance. Move. Paint. Photograph. Art and the theatre are blessings for me. I find my voice in them. I feel glee - yes the TV series and in the real meaning of the word - when I find another who can speak to me without the physical effort of speaking. Perform and I turn into someone else. I express myself fully and I have an audience. I find my voice in knowing that I am on the same wavelength with someone. I speak and speak without the need for words at a time. Yet I find my voice in this and with it, sheer pleasure.

I am a social being - all humans are no matter what anyone might think. There are two sides to any situation. Losing one's voice could be viewed as anti-social to some people. Finding one's voice may be viewed as eccentric to others. In between, the possibilities are endless. Next time I meet someone, I will look at them in a different light. I will think about the finding and losing of their voice and mine at the same time.

No comments:

Post a Comment