The Day After...

I woke up in a panic this morning. I woke up wondering what day it was. It was only just a few hours after the darkest hour of the night. And whereas I'd gone to bed in pitch darkness, amidst an unbroken stillness, I woke up now to a room filled with daylight. I was momentarily confused and disoriented.

It is the day after the Night of Determination. The Night of Power. A night when one's fate is written for the next year. A festival of the heavens and earth that occurs only but once a year. A night where angels descend from the heavens to witness the millions and millions of worshippers standing before the Creator. 

I spent the better part of the night under my living room lamp, reading Quran and praying. I prayed long and hard but I must admit my efforts were humbled compared to previous years. No matter how hard I tried to elevate myself and pray, to reach that level of awareness that transcends all that is worldly, I could not. I sighed and realised that I am human after all. The pressures and stresses that this year has put on me has limited my resources, physically and mentally. I persisted anyway with every sincere ounce I had in me until the early hours of the morning, just before the dawn prayer.

"Peace it is, until the break of dawn" I kept reciting the verse that refers to that Night of Determination from the Quran. All I needed to do was to be sincere in my prayers and to ask of God all of that which I wanted to achieve for the coming year. After all, this was "a night that was better than a thousand months".

I recalled the previous years when I had spent this time in the company of others in a nearby mosque. Praying together always added to the spiritual element and just knowing that we all stood before the Almighty's Grandeur in equal submission would add to my heart's elation. And of course there were the angels that would treat this night as a festival, descending on our worldly skies to witness such an annual event. I would always feel humbled by the sobriety of this.

So I woke up this morning trying to sense a difference within me. I wondered whether my prayers would be answered, whether I had in fact witnessed the Night of Determination with all its blessings. I wondered what fate was written for me for the coming year. I woke up in a panic wondering whether I had done enough. It never is enough. But still, enough to a degree.

And when I couldn't get any answers, I tried to brush aside the worry and confusion, forcing a smile within my heart. God is the Kindest, Most Generous and will never let me down. So it was time to rejoice, believe and trust in the knowledge that change is coming and it will all be for the best. 

Breathless

It has been ages. I return to my cosy blog feeling like a stranger who has been away for too long, waiting for familiarity and with it, comfort, to set in. I look back and my life a few months ago was very different than it is today. Happy or sad is not the issue, it's not the question. Time doesn't allow for any of those sensibilities. Today, it's all about a robotic sense of soldiering on to make it through to the destination. I feel like I'm embarking on a never ending journey, being swept along just to get to the end. No time to breathe. No time to stop. No time to reflect or do any of the things like make me feel like a basic human.

I miss photography and writing and all the other things that I used to enjoy doing. The things that I would find myself through them, that would unleash my creative force. 

But there's no time for even that. It's all about soldiering on and all that I pray for is that when I do reach my destination in the end, that I will be satisfied and happy and content. A shadow of doubt casts itself. I fear that all that I will find in the end is a transformed shadow of a person and nothing but eternal loneliness.