Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Insight in a Time of Illness...

I'm tucked in bed, box of tissues on my right, mounting pile of used tissues in the bin down on the floor on my left.  Water bottle, book and of course my laptop within easy reach. I'm sick with the flu and off work. I look out of the window and wish away these germs. Wishing I were healthy and on the go again. But these moments do have some value. And I contemplate and think.

How easy it would be just to have the simple ambitions of finish school, uni, get married, have a couple of kids and live life. Instead I choose the unconventional. The unordinary. And I put up with the mundane and the very ordinary day in day out to get to my goal. So I sit and wonder. Will it all be worth it? The hardships and challenges that I encounter. The seemingly dead ends and trying to channel a new way through the brick walls. Will they be worth it?

I don't have the answers. It's times like these where I only ask the questions and wonder. But then I pick myself up and continue where I left off. Some times God sends me a sign (I have learnt to look out for signs) to tell me to carry on and so I do. Other times I'm left to my own devices and have to find the faith within me to believe that what I'm doing is what I'm meant to be doing. But am I doing it the right way? Is there a right way?

Everyone has weaknesses and whereas I think I know mine, I don't seem to learn to stop being accommodating. At the risk of sounding very idealistic, naive and cheesy, I have been encountering more and more people who will stop at nothing to step on others to elevate themselves. Mostly it is an ego boost for themselves in an atmosphere that stops at nothing to undermine. But I am not made that way. I cannot undermine and I cannot use people as stepping stones. The problem is when people choose you as a stepping stone. A diplomat at heart, I find ways to circumvent it. Although in such situations, it requires direct confrontation and a little bit of lingo below the belt. I have never been able to adopt that attitude. So I come across as accommodating. 

I have been told that I can intimidate those in front of me when I choose to. So I guess I do have it in me. I just don't like doing it and I brush aside these ego boosting charades of the other as immaturity. I can see right through them and I can choose to stop them any time that I want to. So is this a weakness?

I go back to thinking about the simple ambitions and how everyone is just out for themselves. Trying to achieve whatever it is they seek. Even those with the not so simple ambitions. They're all the same. What a selfish selfish world we live in. And I think back to myself and wonder. Will all that I'm doing be worth it? Is there an unselfish aspect to what I want? Or am I just kidding myself.

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